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Yo! Here’s What To Expect When The Nets Move To Brooklyn

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Last week the Brooklyn Nets unveiled their new logo (see above) and while the press conference was going on I took the opportunity to stroll through their offices, where I happened upon this memo, detailing some of the plans for their first season:



Parking on the street?
For just $5 a guy will make sure nothing happens to your car


Players will now warm up to the mellow sounds of Brooklyn-ites
Barry Manilow, Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand


Vendors coming around yelling “Junior’s Cheesecake…
get your Junior’s Cheesecake.”


Expect the Nets to win more games…
We hear a lot of the opposing players are going to be “injured.”


No ATM machines.
If you really need some cash, see Big Tony in Section 313.


Cheerleaders with big, big hair that somehow never moves,
chewing gum non-stop.


Clear plastic covers on every seat, so they don’t get filthy…
just like the ones your mother had on her couch.


State of the art locker rooms for the Nets.
The Y across the street for the visiting team.


Don’t like your seats? See Big Tony in Section 313, who will
“make some room” for you in better ones.


Half-price tix for all Williamsburg hipsters on Thursdays…
please show proof at the door.

Proof includes thrift-store fashions, an unkempt beard or an NPR sticker
(See web site for the full list)


You have a problem with any of these plans? We didn’t think so.



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