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World Exclusive: Features of The New iPhone 5

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Apple is expected to announce the details of the iPod 5.
But I have the exclusive list of new features right here, right now…before anyone else:

Makes phone calls.

Has voice mail.

You can text.

Did I mention you can call people with it?

Touch-screen typing  (Takes only 6 years to master)

The long-awaited Richard Simmons 3-D App

Turntable app for the hipsters to play their records.

Speaking of hipsters, an app that alerts you when another Brooklyn neighborhood is safe to move to.

Finally, an app that finds you the best appetizing in your area. (Great for our Jewish friends)

The board game Trouble has an app utilizing revolutionary new technology to create the world’s first virtual Pop-O-Matic.

AM Radio with optional antenna

20-Megapixel camera with a built-in darkroom.

Comes in black, white  and real ostrich skin.

Look for your 10%-off  coupon in specially-marker boxes of Cap’n Crunch.

Purchase your iPhone, then take your receipt to any participating Dunkin Donuts for a free donut.

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