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Typical Things People Say To You When…

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…Someone close to you dies:

“At least he’s not suffering anymore.”

“He’s in a better place.”

“He promised me his comic book collection.”

“Where’s the after-party?”

…You lose your job:

“It will all work out for the best.”

“Things happen for a reason…you’ll be fine.”

“Would you mind if I applied for your job?”

“That sucks. In this economy you’ll never find anything.”

…You get a new job:

“Great news! Congrats!”

“I told you it would all work out.”

“Wow, I thought you would never find anything.”

“Does that mean I don’t have to pay you back the $20 you lent me.”

…It’s your birthday:

“Have a great one. What are you doing to celebrate?”

“Enjoy your special day!”

“Birthday, shmirthday…take out the damn garbage!”

“I was going to get you a present, but then I remembered you didn’t get me one.”

…You get engaged:

“Congratulations. Im so happy for the two of you.”

“That’s great news. Best of luck.”

“I wish I could be happy for you, but my boyfriend just broke up with me.”

“You’re engaged? I hope it’s not to that fat slob you’ve been dating.”

…You tell people you’re pregnant:

“That’s wonderful. You’ll be great parents.”

“Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?”

“You bitch…I’ve been trying for a year…and nothing.”

“Do you have any idea who the father is?”

…You’ve had a baby.”

“That’s the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen.”

“How adorable!!.”

“He looks like you…and that’s NOT a compliment.”

“Ugh, just what the world needs…another crying, pooping baby.”

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