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Tweets From Oscar (Yes, The Award)

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I have one word for all presenters and winners:


My cousin is one lucky bastard.
Halle Berry won him and keeps him in her bedroom.


The Fashion Police criticize me for wearing
the same thing every year.
Do they think I have a choice?
Do they think I don’t have feelings?


Mel Gibson locked my uncle in his attic
as soon as he found out he was Jewish.


What do I do the rest of the year?
Train my body to stay awake till the show ends.


Where’s my damn award for standing still for so long?


Shout-out to my wife, Emmy!
(Do people still give shout-outs?)


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