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Tweets From Mitt Romney

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How come no one secretly tapes me
when I’m doing something mundane,
like shooting the breeze with my chauffeurs?


After I win the election
I plan to go on vacation.
To the Cayman Islands.
To visit my money.


I made my money the old-fashioned way:
By buying companies at rock bottom prices,
taking exorbitant salaries and bonuses,
then leaving the job of cleaning up my mess
to the lucky few who still have jobs.


Ann and I struggled when we first got married.
Our apartment on Park Avenue was so small
we had to buy another one
just so our housekeeper had a place
to cook us our meals.


Good news:
A new poll says 53% of Americans
agree with my 47% comment.


The first thing I will do as President?
Take away Lindsay Lohan’s drivers license.


There’s one thing both
Republicans and Democrats
can agree on:
I have better hair than Obama.



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