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To My Son Saif al-Islam: I know you are on the run,
so I leave to you my extensive sneaker collection,
including hundreds of vintage Air Jordans. Enjoy!
To My Wife: You get nothing. All you ever did was nag me:
“You need to mow the lawn.”
“Take out the garbage.”
“What kind of outfit is that to wear to a massacre?”
Blah blah blah.
Oh, and good luck trying to figure out
how to use the remotes.
To My Trusted Assistant Habib: Please put my hundreds of cases of black hair dye
on eBay and keep the profits. And while you are at it, sell my camel, Murray, too.
To My Dear Friend Assam: It was great reconnecting with you on Facebook
after all these years.
I was really looking forward to our High School Reunion.
And once again, please accept my apologies
for having your wife killed.
To My Surviving Children: You will all be equity partners in the family business, The Khadafy Weapons of Mass Destruction Factory. And remember: Don’t let my grandkids near that big red button.