Sets of Three
Jerry Sandusky’s Favorite Football Terms:
1. Illegal Motion
2. Tight End
What I Saw During A 5-Minute Walk in NYC on Monday:
1. A man eating an avocado like an apple
2. A woman humping a fire hydrant
3. A parking spot
Reasons John Edwards and Rielle Hunter Broke Up:
1. Her tell-all book
2. It got ob her nerves that he never pronounced her name correctly
3. Her jealousy of his hair
What You WON’T Find In Kim & Kanye’s New House:
2. A room without at least one mirror
3. A room without at least one member of her family
When Alex Trebeck Had A Heart Attack…
1. …the doctor told him he must stop having a daily double burger
2. …his life flashed before his eyes, which means all he saw was the Jeopardy board
3. …the EMS worker asked him his symptoms,
to which Trebeck answered “What is shortness of breath?”
More of Jerry Sandusky’s Favorite Football Terms:
2. Loose ball
3. Man-to-man coverage
Things Mayor Bloomberg Will Ban Next:
1. Feeding pigeons
2. Hailing a cab with your left hand
3. The word bodega
Mitt Romney’s Favorite Things Growing Up:
1. His silver spoon
2. Grey Poupon
3. Bullying gay kids
Best Ways To Annoy Mitt Romney:
1.Pull out his batteries
2.Hide his Just For Men
3.Tell him Donald Trump is on the phone
Best Ways To Annoy Barack Obama
1.Call him “Osama”
2.Ask to see his real birth certificate
3.Tell him Donald Trump is on the phone
Things You Should Never Bring To The Beach
1. General Tso’s Chicken
2. Adult water wings
3. Your polo pony
Things That Are Way Too Big:
1. Movie candy
2. The guy sitting next to you on the subway
3. The shirt I was wearing yesterday
What My Parents Claim They Got At The Movies For 3-Cents:
1. 5 movies, 10 cartoons
2. A bag of popcorn and a candy bar
3. A new bicycle
Things You Don’t See Anymore:
1. Phone booths
2. 8-track players
3. Blackberry Smartphones
1. People in red sports cars that drive slow.
2. Starbucks refusing to acknowledge the words “Small, medium and large.”
3. America’s infatuation with lists
Excuses by Chase Employees for Their $2-Billion Trading Losses:
1. “We were distracted by all that super moon hype.”
2. “We were distracted by all the season finales on TV.”
3. “We were distracted by greed.”
John Travolta’s Massage Pet Peeves:
1. Requesting a man and getting a drag queen instead.
2. Asking for a happy ending and getting a kids book read to him instead.
3. The spa’s insistence on playing the Grease soundtrack.
What Recent College Grads Living At Home Have To Look Forward To :
1. Playing beer pong with a 84-year-old neighbor.
2. Sitting at home waiting to sign for a FedEx package.
3. Walking your parents’ 3 Shih Tzus.
1. Judge Reinhold
2. Da Judge (From “Here Come Da Judge”)
3. Judge Wapner
1. Judge Ito
2. Judge Dredd
3. Simon Cowell
Theories On Why Van Gogh Cut Off His Ear:
1. Final exam for correspondence course on surgery
2. Known for being cheap, he tried giving himself a haircut
3. He heard “We Built This City” by Jefferson Starship
Amazing Animal Facts:
1. Seagulls don’t fly on the Sabbath
2. Zebras refuse to answer the “race” question when filling out a job application
3. The grizzly bear is the only animal that can solve a Rubik’s Cube
The Original Rice Krispies Mascots:
Signs Your Dentist Never Went To Dental School:
1. His drill is made by “Black & Decker”
2. Uses X-Ray Specs bought from the back of a comic book instead of X-ray machine
3. His license plate is “PHON-E-MD”
Besides Temperature, Why That One Bowl of Porridge In Goldilocks & The Three Bears Was “Just Right”:
1. Made from organic oats
2. Sweetened with artisan honey
3. Cooked on the stove…not in the microwave
Suggested Names for Kim Kardashian’s Upcoming Sitcom:
1. “A Half-Hour Of Your Life You Can Never Get Back”
3. “Kim’s World”
Predictions on the New Three Stooges Movie:
1. Someone will get poked in the eye
2. Someone else will get poke in the eye
3. Hilarity will ensue
Why You Shouldn’t See Titanic-3D:
1. That damn Celine Dion song
2. The 3D is so good 17 audience members drowned already
3. It ends the same way as the original
How The Dry Cleaning Process Works:
1. Bring in a $35 shirt
2. They do something mysterious with chemicals (I think) to clean it.
3. Pay them $40
Even More Mysterious Than Dry Cleaning:
1. Where car salespeople go when they “talk to their manager.”
2. That bakery on the corner that’s been open for 35 years, yet you’ve never seen one person walk in.
3. How George W. was elected President…twice
How The Facebook Purchase of Instagram Happened:
1. Facebook “liked” Instagram, as in “really liked”
2. They wrote a check for $1-billion
3. The end
Results of Having The Warmest March Ever:
1. No opportunity for people to show off their stylish (ugly) new boots
2. Salt normally used for snow donated to soup kitchens
3. With no snow, local news scrambles to find stories to scare people
Re-Worked Classics From The Just-Announced New Stones Album:
1. Start Me Up (No, Really…Start Me Up)
2. Gimme Shelter (And Medication For Gout)
2. Time Isn’t On My Side
Celebrities Who Should Act Their Age:
2. Demi Moore
3. Betty White
Things In Blue Ivy’s Nursery:
1. Baby’s First Gold Record
2. A rattle sculpted from the Hope Diamond
3. Another rattle sculpted from the Hope Diamond
Musicians Who Will Never Be Featured on “Glee”:
1. Marilyn Manson
2. Gary Puckett and the Union Gap
3. Iron Butterfly
Versions Of Joba Chamberlain’s Trampoline Accident:
1. Yanks: He lost so much blood he could have died
2. Joba: It was no big deal. I could pitch tomorrow
3. A-Rod: Trampoline? Big deal. I dated every Hollywood actress with blonde hair.
Cars/Vacuum Cleaners Named After U.S Presidents
Creepiest TV Families of All Time:
1. The Munsters
2. The Addams Family
2. The Gumbels
NBA Teams That Moved And Were Too Lazy
To Change Their Name:
1. Utah Jazz
2. New Orleans Hornets
3. Los Angeles Lakers
Fred Flintstone Makeover:
1. Lose the “Onesie”…replace with pants and shirt.
2. New Shoes
Bugs Bunny Makeover:
1. Pants and shirt.
2. New Shoes
3. Ear reduction surgery
Breaking Down The Song “One” Written By Harry Nillson
1. One: The loneliest number that you’ll ever do
2. Two: Can be as bad as one, it’s the loneliest number since the number one.
3. Three: Not mentioned.
Differences Between A Crocodile and An Alligator:
1. Unlike gators, crocs give you a head start before catching and then eating you.
2. Gators can eat a person in one bite. It takes a croc two bites.
3. Gators spend their winters in Boca. Crocs in Jacksonville.
Where Newt Gingrich’s Next 3 Wives Are Right Now:
1. Working for the State Department
2. Living in Florida. Married with 2 kids.
3. Virginia mental institution
Best Yoko One Songs:
1. Walking On Thin Ice
2. The one where she screams
3. That other one where she screams
Theories On Why Wile E. Coyote Is After Roadrunner:
1. There’s a difference of opinion over who’s the star of the show.
2. Roadrunners are tasty.
3. He really doesn’t want to get him. It’s all just product placement for Acme.
Things Mitt Romney Will Say In The Next Week:
1. “I’m not rich. Don’t believe me? Ask my chauffeur.”
2. “Don’t believe my chauffeur? Then ask my chauffeurs’ chauffeur.”
3. “I can’t believe gas is only $5 a gallon.”
Most Popular Hanson Brothers Of All-Time:
1. Taylor Hanson
2. Isaac Hanson
3. Zac Hanson
Things People Should NOT Be Doing in 2012:
1. Writing a check at the supermarket.
2. Deciding to go into the pay phone business.
3. Walking around with a Blockbuster card in their wallet.
Signs A Restaurant Sucks:
1. Pictures of their food on the menu.
2. A sign that reads “Follow Us On MySpace.”
3. “All-You-Can-Eat Steak” for $3.99.
Signs A Restaurant Is Fancy:
1. The word “Le” is in the name.
2. The chef is required to wear a tuxedo while cooking.
3. 17 people standing around you ready to clean up each and every crumb and fill your glass every time you take a sip.
What Happens When You Find A Long-Lost Friend On Facebook:
1. You send them a long private message.
2. They respond with a long private message.
3. You never speak to them again.
Best Flintstones Guest Stars:
1. Stoney Curtis
2. Ann Margrock
3. Ed Sulleystone
Conversation Starters With A Giant:
1. How’s the weather up there?
2. How tall is your wife?
3. Where do you buy your pants?
Conversation Starters With A Gay Giant:
1. How’s the weather up there?
2. How tall is your partner?
3. Where did you buy those fabulous pants?
Top 3 Movies With The Word “Godfather” In The Title:
1. The Godfather
2. The Godfather-Part 2
3. The Godfather-Part 3
All-Time Great Asian NBA Players:
1. Jeremy Lin
2. Yao Ming
3. David Li
Led Zeppelin Songs That Actually Have The Title Of The Song In The Lyrics:
1. Stairway To Heaven
2. Whole Lotta Love
3. Dancing Days
Great Baseball Names:
1. Coco Crisp
2. Milton Bradley
3. J.J. Putz
What Dogs Are Thinking:
1. Man, if I could only open the refrigerator.
2. Pooping outside is embarrassing.
3. Come to think about it, having to pick it up is worse.
Things You Never Say To A Hells Angel
1. You call that a bike?
2. Why the hell do you have a tattoo of your mom?
3. Your girlfriend could stand to lose a few pounds.