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It was easy to get Bill Clinton to appear at the convention.
All they had to say was “Do you want to be in Charlotte?”
and he said “Yes.”
I think I was at the wrong convention.
The D n C, right?
So why were they talking about scraping uteruses?
An unidentified team of hackers
say they’ve stolen Mitt Romney’s tax returns
and will make them public unless his campaign
forks out $1 million in “ransom.”
Romney did them one better and sent them his couch,
which undoubtedly contains
much more than that in the cushions.
I got a ticket this week from one of those traffic cameras,
but not for going through a red light.
I still don’t understand how the camera saw
I was wearing white after Labor Day.
A Sri Lankan man
tried to steal a $14,000 diamond by swallowing it.
Authorities now wait until it emerges naturally.
And that, boys and girls, is the way you make crappy jewelry.
Pope Benedict XVI has been given a customized
electric car to drive around his summer residence in.
He does have one complaint, however:
The car has no jack to plug his iPod into.
Amy Poehler and Will Arnett have split
after 9 years of marriage.
And they seemed so happy just a few weeks ago
when me, my wife and daughter
followed them as they walked
in the West Village:
The photo evidence: