Unforgettable Quotes Throughout History
(That Were Forgotten)


    “Enough with the cherry tree story, already! ENOUGH!!” -Everyone and anyone who ever spoke to George Washington   “Mr. Franklin, your resume is twelve pages long… you need to cut it down to one page if you’re serious about getting a new job.” -Resume consultant to Benjamin Franklin   “Can’t we move it […] more

Fun Things To Do When You Have The Flu

  Get a stopwatch and time how long you can go without sneezing or coughing. Then challenge friends who also have the flu to beat your best record. Call it Flu With Friends.   Watch movies and TV shows you’d be too embarrassed to watch otherwise. I admit I watched  Adam Sandler’s Jack & Jill. […] more

My Final Thoughts On Manti Te’o (For Now)


    This just in… Manti Te’o’s doctors say his football career is over, citing vision problems caused when the wool was pulled over his eyes.   I’m at the Inauguration in D.C. thanks to the generosity of my friend Manti Te’o, who got two tickets but suddenly only needed one.   It would only […] more

Overheard at President Obama’s
Inauguration 2013


“I get the feeling there’s something going on between the President and Beyonce.”   “I get the feeling there’s something going on between Bill Clinton and Beyonce and Kelly Clarkson.”   “I wrote a poem about the poet. It’s called You Bore Me.”   “Great news… Jodi Foster was supposed to speak… but had to […] more

The Lance Armstrong Revelations Edited Out Of The Oprah Interview


  Without steroids I would need training wheels to ride a bike.   I took twice the amount of steroids when riding a bicycle built for two.   One of Sheryl Crow’s albums includes a song she wrote for me called “My Ex-Boyfriend Lance Armstrong Takes Steroids”   All these years I’ve told reporters my […] more

Things You’ll Never Hear Them Say
On Downton Abbey


  Mr. Carson, how many times can I tell you your fly needs to be zipped up?   Mary, now that we’re married can you please show me the move you used in bed that killed the Turkish diplomat?   Mr. Bates, opening up your own motel sounds like a horrific idea.   Mrs. Patmore, […] more

My Favorite Lance Armstrong Headlines That Were Written By Me


  Dope Admits Doping   Armstrong Backpedals On Doping   LIE STRONG   He Can’t Handle(Bar) The Truth   Armstrong Tells Oprah: Steroids Is One Of My Favorite Things   Sir Lie-A-Lot   You Can’t Spell “Bicycle” Without “L-I-E”   Armstrong: It Was All Worth It (Because I Got To Sleep With Sheryl Crow)   […] more

What Are Kim Kardashian & Kanye West Googling These Days?

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FAQs About The Flu (And Their Frequently Wrong Answers)


    How can I prevent getting the flu? Avoid contact with all human beings.   What should I do if I do get it? Have contact with as many human beings as possible… because misery loves company.   What if I start vomiting? Turn off E!’s “Kardashian” marathon. ASAP.   What should I do […] more

The TV Shows We’re Looking Forward To In 2013 (Too Bad They’re Not Real!)


  WARNING: Reading this post is likely to cause you to groan. A lot. Read at your own risk. And please accept my apologies in advance.     Docudrama focusing on the exploits of 60’s political activist Abbie Hoffman in NYC’s Greenwich Village: Downtown Abbie   A comedy about a guy who’s in charge of […] more

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