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News from Planet Earth…The Laughingstock of the Universe

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ACTUAL HEADLINES/ACTUAL INSANITY (just from the last couple of days)…

* click on stories for full articles

Man Interrupts Own Haircut  For Assault (Leaving him with half an afro…and undoubtedly, the next hair trend)

Next Alternative Energy Source: Pee (I wanted to try it, but you know what I found out? It’s not easy to produce a whole gallon)

Bag of Urine Snares Bank Robber (He was trying to fill up his car to make a getaway)

Flatulent Dentist Barred From Practicing (His alibi? A simple misunderstanding…when patients asked for gas for the pain)

Want Less Charlie Sheen? There’s An App For That (You thought you could get through this without me mentioning him? Impossible!)

Woman Becomes World’s Youngest Grandmother  At The Age of 23 (And after going to 8 stores, I found out Hallmark does NOT make a card for this achievement)

Oldest Wild Bird In U.S. Is New Mother (Unbelievably, Hallmark does make a card for this)

Teen Busted In Hamster Murder (Method of murder: Sabotage…on the exercise wheel in the hamster’s cage)

Has Gwyneth Paltrow Signed A $900,000 Record Deal? $900,000! Are you kidding me? Personally, I think she belongs on Broadway…dangling in the air in “Spiderman”)


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