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“Moses In Hot Water” and Other Historic Letters from Historic People

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Dear Moses,

I know you parting the red sea was a miraculous feat, but the least you could have done when  finished was put it back the way it was. Scientists say this oversight could cause something  called “global warming.” I have no idea what that means, but I don’t think it’s good.

Donald K. Krockenberry
Chief Lifeguard/The Red Sea

P.S. I hope you get this letter Moses, considering I don’t know what your last name is.


Dear President George Washington,

I hate to put a damper on your successful surprise attack in Trenton, but we noticed while crossing the Delaware you were not wearing a life vest. The fine for that infraction is $3 or 2 raccoon pelts. Please get back to my office and let us know how you’d like to pay. (FYI: We prefer the pelts)

Cornelious Crump
United States Coast Guard

Dear Sirs,

I recently purchased one of your new beard trimmers and the truth it does not work very well. It gives me a rash and in my line of work a rash, as well as a scraggly beard, are frowned upon. I would appreciate a refund ASAP. (ASAP means “as soon as possible” and LOL means “laugh at loud”, which I’m NOT)

Thanks for everything,
President Abe Lincoln


Dear Mr. Eli Whitney,

I am writing to you because I was told you are the man who invented the cotton gin. I was wondering if you’d be so kind as to give me the recipe, as I would like to make your drink at home.  I have the gin but I am pretty sure other ingredients, besides cotton, are involved. Please advise.

Clem Munson

Dear Isaac Newton,

The results of your medical tests are in and it looks like the apple falling on your head did indeed cause some brain damage. Frankly,  I’m not surprised, considering while undergoing the tests you were mumbling something about dressing up in women’s clothes and “shaking what your mama gave you.” Crazy talk. I think it’s important you schedule a followup appointment as soon as possible.

Dr. Frederick R. Papp



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