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More Letters – Part 5

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Dear Mr. Martin Conrad,

I am writing to you in hopes of securing a summer job with your company to supplement my income in these tough economic times. As regional manager for Mister Softee, I’m sure you are well aware of a recent poll that says the two things kids love best are ice cream and me. Please consider me. This is my dream job, except for the constant, annoying music you play all day. I hope to hear from you.

Yours Truly,
Santa Claus

Dear Santa,

Are you out of your mind? Kids don’t want to see Santa in the summer. They think you are up in the North Pole all year making toys. I would think you would know that by now. I would love to help you out, but it doesn’t make much sense for either one of us.

Good Luck,
Martin Conrad
Regional Manager
Mister Softee

P.S. I’ve enclosed a coupon good for two free ice cream cones. Enjoy!

Dear All Real Housewives,

Here’s the definition, according to my book:

A married woman whose main occupation is caring for her family, managing household affairs, and doing housework.

You don’t do any of these things.
None of you. Not one.

Think About It,
Mr. Samuel Webster
Webster’s Dictionary


Dear Kindle,

I have a bone to pick with you:
Thanks to you I can no longer flaunt
the pretentious book I am reading in public.

Instead, I have to sit on the subway 
praying my fellow passengers don’t think I’m reading
John Grisham or James Patterson.

Thanks For Nothing,
Franklin Montgomery The Third

Dear Mr. Limbaugh,

I am sorry to inform you we are
pulling our ads from your show.
BUT, don’t worry…we will continue
your free subscription for as long
as you’d like.

Wendell McClarey
Publisher/SLUT Magazine


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