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Forget the iPhone 5: We’ve Got The Just Unearthed Live-Blog Transcript From The Launch Of The World’s First Telephone

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12:49 pm
Anticipation is running high as we await the arrival
of Mr. Alexander Graham Bell.
and the debut of his latest invention: The telephone.
We’re being told he will be out in just minutes.
 
12:57 pm
Bell’s wife is in the audience.
He didn’t tell her about the phone until yesterday out of fear
she would start making calls and run up his bill.
 
1:07 pm
Mr. Bell comes out to a smattering of applause.
He welcomes everyone, then tells a joke about
a traveling salesman and a farmers daughter.
 
1:09 pm
His assistant, who is a lot younger and prettier than his wife,
brings out a beautifully-wrapped box, inside of which is the phone.
His wife stares her down and mouths something obscene.
Mr. Bell just stands there, sweating profusely.
 
1:13 pm
Bell speaks: “This invention is the culmination of 10 years of hard work,
except for the two weeks we spent on vacation in Boca.
It will change the way we communicate with each other
and make the Jerky Boys a national sensation,
but I’m getting ahead of myself.”
 
1:18 pm
“Ladies and gentleman, without any further ado,
whatever that means, I give you the telephone!!”
Bell carefully opens the box, as not to rip
the expensive wrapping paper.
There are oohs and ahs from the crowd.
And a few random ees.
Let me describe the phone to you:
It’s big and clunky and black and ugly.
 
1:23 pm
Bell announces he will now make the first phone call ever.
He will be calling his trusted assistant Mr. Watson
 
1:29 pm
Bell dials some numbers and pulls two levers.
Watson just sits there. And sits there.
A minute goes by. Then two.
Bell finally realizes his mistake:
He made just one phone.
How could he call anyone if he’s the only one with a phone?
(What an idiot!)
 
1:31 pm
Bell is mortified and announces he must go back to the drawing board.
He apologizes to the crowd, and his wife,
and leaves with his younger and prettier assistant.
 
1:33 pm
The event is over.

 


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