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“Fifty Shades of Grey:” The Passages So Dirty They Had To Edit Them Out

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He took her to the finest restaurant in town for a romantic dinner.
Ana ordered the lobster bisque appetizer, a 2-pound lobster
and, for dessert, lobster cheese cake.
Christian opted for the all-you-can eat salad bar.
He nibbled on her neck while she fed him some of her lobster.
Their waiter ruined the mood when he came over to inform them
that there is a $10 charge for sharing.


Christian furiously undressed Ana.
He ripped off her pants, then her top, her Spanx,
push up bra, girdle and padded panties.

She stood there naked, but it was all for naught.
Christian, all sweaty
and exhausted from undressing her,

suggested that Ana put her clothes back on,
and they played Jenga instead.


She walked into his apartment.
There were rose petals on the floor

and candles lit everywhere.
The aroma they gave off was familiar to her.
It was lavender.
Ana was allergic to lavender.
She starts gasping for air.
Her face puffed up to two times its size.
Christian, in the bathtub naked, runs to helps her, but slips and falls.
They both lay on the floor, embracing…while waiting for help.


There was no stopping her now.
They had made love for the second time that night and now
Ana was sensuously devouring an entire container of
Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey Ice Cream.
None of that slow-churned crap for her.
Meanwhile, Christian’s snoring was so loud
she had to go into another room to watch TV.


They stared lovingly into each others eyes.
Without blinking.
For almost a minute.

Finally Christian blinked, making Ana the winner
of their weekly staring contest…
but he wasn’t having it.

He undressed her with his eyes and said
“Let’s make it two out of three, you vixen, you”


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