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Celebrity Letters To Santa

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Dear Santa,

I’ve been pretty good this year. Up until this month.Please bring me an iPhone. I broke mine in a fit of rage. On an airplane. Because the stewardess wouldn’t let me play “Words With Friends.” And I take “Words With Friends” very seriously. Oh, and make it the new iPhone with Siri, so I can ask her why stewardesses are such sourpusses. One more request, Santa: Don’t bring that stewardess anything. Her name is Ann Montgomery and works for American Airlines (Employee # is AA42931B.)

All the best,
Alec Baldwin


Dear Santa,

I was wondering if there is anyone you know who is just like you, but Jewish, who can put some excitement into Hanukkah?
Hanukkah is soooo boring compared to Christmas and you are the reason. Think hard. Do you know anyone who’s Jewish? I doubt any of us live near you as it is very cold and the cold is just not our thing.Think hard. Perhaps Florida? That’s where Jewish men go when they get to be your age. Although, from my experience none are what you can describe as “jolly,” as they are always complaining.
Let me know. Thanks.

Merry Xmas,
Natalie Portman

Dear Santa,

I’m not asking for much this year. I just want you to bring peace, love and good health to me and my family. And duct tape. To shut those women up. Who ruined my chance to be President with their sexual harassement allegations against me. Shame on them. I am a family man. And even if I did do something, it’s nothing compared to what that Penn State guy did. Shame on him.
Don’t forget. Duct tape. Lots of it.

Herman Cain


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